Jingle All the Way on blu-ray

It’s Christmas Eve, and Arnold needs to find a Turbo Man action figure, the craze of the season. Only they’re sold-out, of course. So the race is on, and Arnold does fierce battle with other shoppers and merchants alike, all for the prize toy with which to purchase his son’s affections. His chief rival and nemesis is Sinbad, a mailman who’s always going–you guessed it–postal. (Must have looked good on paper.) All of which is unwittingly very sad, on the content level. But the film supposes itself to be amiable enough, on its own shabby terms, even when it climbs out of the screen and starts gnawing at your furniture. If the humor were to get broader it would make HDTV obsolete.

The tone can only be termed good-naturedly mean-spirited. Goofy carnival music runs continuously in the background so we never forget that what we’re seeing is, er, um, funny. All the action is composed of comic violence, like an unhip Warner Bros. cartoon. Do the filmmakers actually consider this cynical foray to be indicative of the Christmas spirit? Apparently so, because the resolution has Arnold winning quite inadvertently, and offers no clear alternative to the competitive commercialism that drives the film’s attempts at humor. In a key scene that’s meant to be touching, Arnold and Sinbad sit down for a heart-to-heart in which we learn that receiving much-wanted Christmas presents in our formative years is responsible for our success in adulthood. You get that Turbo Man, you’ll be a billionaire; don’t get it, you’ll be a loser. Such is the formidable challenge of parenthood, to cater to the child’s whims while it can still make a difference. This is what’s wrong with this country.

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Eraser on Blu-ray

If you’re going to submit yourself to a dazzling example of mainstream action, this thriller is as good a choice as any. Eraser is a live-action cartoon, the kind of movie in which Arnold Schwarzenegger can survive nail bombs, hails of bullets, an attack by voracious alligators (”You’re luggage,” he says, after killing one of the beasts), and still emerge from the mayhem relatively intact. Arnold plays an “eraser” from the Federal Witness Protection Program, so named because he can virtually erase the existence of anyone he’s been assigned to protect. His latest beneficiary is an FBI employee (Vanessa Williams) who stumbled across a secret government group involved in the sale and export of an advanced weapon capable of shooting rounds at nearly the speed of light. Fantastic action sequences are handled with flair by director Charles Russell (The Mask), so it’s easy to forgive the fact that this movie is almost completely ridiculous.
By Jeff Shannon

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End of Days on Blu-ray

After a two-year hiatus that included recovery from heart surgery, Arnold Schwarzenegger returned to the big screen in November 1999 with End of Days, a Thanksgiving turkey if ever there was one. Overcooked and bloated with stuffing, this ludicrous thriller attached itself to the end-of-the-millennium furor that kicked in a year too early. A prologue begins in 1979 with panic in the Vatican when a comet signals the birth of a child who will, 20 years later, become the chosen bride of Satan, destined to conceive the devil’s spawn between 11 p.m. and midnight on December 31, 1999. It’s hard to decide who has the more thankless role–Robin Tunney as Satan’s would-be bride, or Schwarzenegger as Jericho Cane, the burned-out alcoholic bodyguard assigned to protect the girl from Satan, billed as “The Man” and played with cheesy menace (and an inconsistent variety of metaphysical manifestations) by Gabriel Byrne.

With kitschy character names like Jericho and Chicago (Arnie’s partner, played by Kevin Pollack) and lapses in logic that any 5-year-old could spot, End of Days is a loud, aggravating movie that would be entertaining if it were intended as comedy. But Schwarzenegger and director Peter Hyams approach the story as an earnest tale of redemption and tested faith, delivering a ridiculous climax full of special effects and devoid of dramatic impact. You’re left instead to savor the verbal and physical sparring between Satan and Jericho, resulting in the most thorough pummeling Schwarzenegger’s ever endured onscreen. Of course he eventually gets his payback, just in time for New Year’s Eve. Perhaps he was touched by an angel.
By Jeff Shannon

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Terminator 2: Judgment Day on Blu-ray

After he pushed the envelope of computer-generated special effects in The Abyss, director James Cameron turned this hotly anticipated sequel to Terminator into a well-written, action-packed showcase for advanced special effects and for one of the most invincible villains ever imagined.

Terminator 2: Judgment Day is a legitimate sequel: there’s more story to tell about a hulking, leather-clad android (Arnold Schwarzenegger) who arrives from the future to protect a rebellious teenager and future leader (Edward Furlong) from being killed by the tenacious T-1000 robot (Robert Patrick), whose liquid-metal construction makes him seemingly unstoppable. The fate of the future lies in the balance, with Linda Hamilton (who would later marry her director) reprising her role as the rugged woman whose son will change the course of history.
By Jeff Shannon

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